To Ask, or Not to Ask?

Notes #8:  September 2, 2026

To ask, for help, or not to ask? That is the question that my post deals with, this time. More accurately, it is about the harm I see many of us causing ourselves when we refuse to embrace the need for support, and about how freeing it can be to undo this bad habit.

The all too common idea that “I should be able to do this by myself”, stops many of us from achieving our goals, experiencing peace of mind, and moving forward with life.  

The stubborn refusal to admit we need help, whether from a friend, from a professional, or in the form of medication, keeps us stuck in place, sometimes for years.  Agonizing at the challenge we think “we should be able to resolve by ourselves”, we tread water, wasting precious time. 

Typical examples of this include:

• A messy yard or clutter in the house, that despite cringing daily at, is too overwhelming for us to get a handle on; 

• An exercise routine we keep talking about getting into, that despite knowing all the benefits it would yield, we never seem to get traction with;

• An ongoing low grade depression, or anxiety, that diminish our joy and our quality of life, that won’t go away despite our efforts;

• That extra weight we badly want to shed in order to live a healthier, fuller life, that won’t budge, no matter what we try…

What is the pesky challenge in your life, that you just can’t seem to overcome, for a long time?

It’s not that we haven’t tried.  We’ve been trying for months or years to move beyond these challenges, to no avail.  And yet, a voice in our heads keeps repeating that we should be able to do it on our own.  That leaning on help of any kind defines us as weak.  That it is shameful.  It may tell us that admitting we need help indicates failure.  In the case of turning to medication for support, we fear developing dependency, the ultimate antidote to self sufficiency…

These messages and others like them are fed to us by American culture and the entertainment industry, and are extremely common. And yet, they keep us in a place we don’t want to be in.   Do any of them ring familiar? 

Let’s consider some counter points that might help loosen the grip of these limiting beliefs on your life:

1.  You are no longer a child whose parents try to teach to develop its independence and basic skills.  You are a functioning adult, who is dealing effectively with a complex life and a host of challenges on a regular basis.  For that you deserve support, respect and understanding, rather than judgment.  

Because you are human, you are naturally affected by the experiences in your life, and cannot possibly excel at everything at all times... Getting support with one or two elements in your life does not negate your overall capability and value.  

2.  Choosing to secure support with a certain part of your life is not a weakness. It is, in fact, a smart and empowered strategy in managing your life.  You may choose to seek assistance because you want to, rather than need to, simply because you rather spend your time and energy on something else.  Effective managers hire expert help, and allow their staff to focus on the things that call for their natural strength.   

3.  Letting go of the childish, ego-centric need to prove you can do it all alone is, in fact, a blessing.  It means you have gotten clear on what is most important to you, and have chosen to focus on achieving that goal over the particular means of getting there.  It means you’ve succeeded in putting down the burden of proof and learned to be kinder to yourself.

4.  Rather than viewing getting help as shameful, consider thinking of it as a privilege that is not within everyone’s reach.  It is something that, if accessible to you, lucky you, should be embraced with both arms and with gratitude.  

5.  Seeking support in the form of medicine, whether to balance our brain chemistry, lose stubborn weight, or for another reason that diminishes your life, is a gift of science.  Rather than resist it or fear it, consider how lucky you are to live in this day and age, when science has made available to us solutions that people who lived before us could barely dream of.

Self sufficiency is a value many of us hold high, which partially explains the common resistance to asking for and receiving help.  However, other values we hold equally dear – harmony, peace, health, joy, and accomplishment are some possible examples – may not find expression in our lives as a result of this resistance to acquiring help.  The price we pay for insisting on self sufficiency may be higher than we realize.   What are you missing out on by continuing to believe that you can do it all on your own?  What are you enduring while this status quo is kept?   It doesn’t have to be that way.

Take a moment to think of the freedom and relief you would feel when that long lasting burden is in your rearview mirror. Think of the possibilities that will be newly within your reach, once that challenge that has hampered your joy and vitality for so long is no longer there.   How would that feel? What would be possible?  How would it change your life?  

Is it worth letting go of the old story of self sufficiency, and looking at the option of accepting assistance in a new way?  

My personal experience over the recent past, with several of the topics I mentioned above, has demonstrated the answer to be a resounding YES.  The only regret I’ve had was not embracing my need for help and acquiring it sooner. It has freed my mind, reduced chronic stress in my body, increased my sense of balance and productivity, to name but a few of the benefits. And I no longer need to define myself as a procrastinator!

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and comments on this topic.  I would love to discuss.  Please don’t hesitate to reach out, at ornalock@gmail.com .

And if you know someone who has been resisting getting some form or help that could change their lives for the better, how about forwarding this message to them?

Warmly,

Orna.