On Being with the Pain of Loved Ones
Notes #10: October 16, 2026
Lately, several of my close friends and family members have been going through rough times. I’ve noticed that as they shared their struggles and pain with me, it has been taking a toll on me.
I feel absolutely honored and grateful to be someone they feel safe to confide in and don’t regret them doing so. We all have close friends, adult children, parents, or spouses who at one time or another go through periods of struggle. Wanting to be there and help them feel better is natural. The question is, how can we be present with, and supportive of, our dear ones in their times of struggle, while also protecting our own hearts and minds.
This isn’t easy. We, women in particular, are often brought up to equate love and loyalty to others with self sacrifice. We may have learned it by observing our role models in our childhood homes, and that message is certainly echoed through pop culture and entertainment. But sacrificing our own wellbeing is an unhealthy, and ineffective way of demonstrating love.
No one feels better, or otherwise benefits, when we take on their pain and suffer with them. No one is helped when their pain causes us physical, mental or emotional stress.
I believe that, despite the initial instinct to swoop in and remove the source of their pain, our first loyalty must be to ourselves. In fact, taking care of ourselves enables us to be better friends, parents and partners, to love and support our dear ones more effectively. If we assume their depression, pain or anger, we become distracted by our own pain and can’t listen with objectivity and patience; we can’t be fully present with our suffering loved ones, or to provide a different perspective that is less biased by emotion.
It might begin with recognizing this right (and duty) to keep our own heart safe first. This allows us to set and uphold boundaries, even with the people closest to us. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean running away or making ourselves unavailable to listen and support. It does mean this:
Noticing when I’m beginning to feel emotionally overwhelmed during a conversation, and taking a break to allow my energy to calm and resettle. This might sound like: “I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much right now. I feel the heaviness of it too. Would it be OK if we take a break and talk again tomorrow?”.
Remembering that the pain being shared with us is not ours. Unless we are their formal guardian, it is not our role and responsibility to resolve it. For me, remembering this is both a relief and a mindfulness bell, reminding me to pull back. We can have compassion and express kindness and support for someone who is hurting without taking their pain on as if it is ours.
More often than we’d like, human pain and struggles can’t be solved simply, with a word or deed. We must accept that there is nothing we can do. Not only that, but consider that getting overly involved in their lives, even with the best intention of alleviating their pain, might deprive our loved ones from a valuable lesson meant for them on their journey. Like the story of the little girl, who in her best intentions tried to “help” a struggling young butterfly hatch out of its cocoon, thereby depriving it of developing wing strength that was essential for it to survive.
And yet, most of us know from our own experience, that when we are struggling, what we want first and foremost is to be seen and heard; to have our pain and struggle witnessed and validated. Not solved for us. We can readily provide this salve to our loved ones, by simply being there with them as best we can.
I would love to hear your reactions to this. Please write to me at ornalock@gmail.com. And as always, my thanks in advance for forwarding this blog to anyone who might find it of value.
Warmly,
Orna.
